This had been my life before I came to Afghanistan. Ever since I came here I have tried not to get dragged down this ridiculous spiral. Ever since I came here I have tried to live every day and take in every day with whatever it brings, regardless of the fact that most days are working days. The art is to capture the moment – Carpe Diem – and see its beauty or other meaning.

Last Tuesday I sat once more outside Kabul Weekly together with Ahmad editing and translating articles. It was around 7 pm, dusk. The prayer calls could be heard from different mosques, someone in one of the AINA offices played Afghan pop music and a cat with her three kittens came marching across the lawn. As the sun was setting and while typing I thought how things had fallen into place: only fifteen months ago I had come here for the first time. I was so happy to meet Reza, to be in an environment built in the memory of Amir Sahib, I was so happy to meet Faheem. I still remember the tears running down his face as he recalled Amir Sahib’s assassination. Now his old office is all revamped – new paint, new furniture, new computers, now I am working for him, now I am sitting with the man I love and work for what we believe in.

It’s such moments I capture and keep to cherish, they give me purpose and joy.

We should never stop having ambitions and “other plans” but living today provides a certain safeguard against being too hopeful and against having too many expectations towards certain hallmarks we erect in our future. Because if those hallmarks crumble by the time we reach them we will get disillusioned, depressed even and question our purpose.

Life is made up of baby-steps; there are rarely the big strides forward. So if we are looking for and only concentrate on those big strides we stop to appreciate the small things in our life which we take for granted and only notice when we lose them.

“Yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery, today is a gift – that is why it is called the present.”

How do you know you love somebody?

Yes, how do you know? For me it is love when you can’t stand the thought of losing that person. Either through sickness or an accident or through an unforgivable act. When the thought to ever lose that person is unbearable, causes a stomach-turning panic inside of you – that is when you love.

You love when you lose all pride, when you do everything to straighten things out, even though by right it wasn’t your fault. You love when you want nothing more than to make up, to “go back to where we were” – without pride. When you love there are no such egoistic feelings. I knew I had stopped loving my husband when I no longer felt the need to make up after a fight. When it became “so what?” that is when I knew.

You love when his absence causes a void in your day and his presence makes your day. You love when you look for him for joy and laughter – childlike sometimes or sarcastic in a very adult fashion.

You love when simple things you do with him fill your day and then your dreams, when you miss those things in times when you’re apart.

You love when making love is more than sex, when there is an after-glow which sends you to sleep, which want you to have more of him – in a sensual and loving manner.

August 6^th, 2007

I will be promoted – to Deputy Director, Investor Support.

This proves to me that so far it has been the right decision to come here – above and beyond my emotional satisfaction. Due to the luck of the right support my work has been recognised. No laurels – I believe every achievement has a lot to do with luck and right circumstances. I mean, I have worked my bud of before but was just not in the right circumstances to be recognised.  One lesson I certainly learned: sometimes you have to step down before you can step up. Character-moulding – that’s for sure.

August 17^th, 2007

I bought a palang for my balcony a couple of days ago.The nights cool down nicely here during summer and sleeping out on this bed so typical for south asia under the star-filled sky is beautiful – no need for fan or aircon.

The weather is still brilliant and the weeks pass fast.

After our last bike-trip I had to get my chain fixed.

There was an IED explosion on Jalalabad Road near Pol-e-Charkhi and Ahmad and me went to a barbeque last Wednesday.

Several people which I have been hanging out with are leaving Kabul for good. Ah well …

Today I spent mostly by the pool in l'Atmosphere. Just dangling my feet into the water I laid down and roasted. When your mind wanders you think about different things – smaller and slightly bigger ones.

The day before I had watched Ice Age II. I thought of the squirrel which in the sequel finally dies and gets to acorn-heaven. There are thousands of acorn laying around for him to easily pick up and hug – he finally gets what he has been denied all life.

Isn’t this what we sometimes long for? Just escape all the struggle and finally get what we so long for – whichever it might be. It is the endless struggle for happiness in this world which makes us tired eventually and makes us yearn for the source of all happiness – God himself. Of course most people don’t realise that, most believe that happiness can be obtained here on earth.  

Then of course I thought about Ahmad and what we share – he just called me from Panjshir as I am writing this, sitting on my palang at 9.30pm. He must love me, I am sure – many things he did which he wouldn’t have to do otherwise, he wouldn’t be with me anymore if he didn’t – full stop. I feel happy in his company, we enjoy each other.

Happiness for me is in the moment, in the minute these days – I never thought of it in such a pronounced manner. I have experienced how fleeting life can be – and I thank God for that. He showed me what my Guru teaches me that this world is not real, nothing is lasting and that the only reality and everlasting ecstatic happiness is God himself. While I am still struggling to take up mediation again I see Him in all moments of happiness, in the eyes of the only person I have ever grieved for – and I thank Him for them as He is in each of them – a smallest reflection of His everlasting, always new joy.